Be The Best Person You Can Be

“Life advice: Always be the best person you can be. Be kind eve when you’re tired. Be understanding even when you’re angry. Do more than you’re asked, and don’t ask for anything in return. Don’t silently expect anything either. Listen when someone talks, and really listen too, stop just thinking of how you’ll reply. Tell people you love them and that you appreciate them. Go out of your way to do things for people. Be the greatest person you can possibly be and when you mess up, make up for it in the next moment, or minute, or day. One thing you should never do? Never spend your time trying to prove to anybody that you’re great, your actions will speak for themselves. We only have a limited time on this earth, don’t waste it. If someone doesn’t see your light, don’t worry. Like moths, good people are attracted to flame and to light, and they will come.”

I’m not entirely sure who originally wrote this quote, but this is how I’ve always been, so I thought I’d share it with you.

I’ve had countless people in my life ask me many questions about how after all I’ve been through how I continue to act the way I do towards people, how I’ve been able to stay tender through it all. The answer is two part, but it’s simple. One is 100 percent because of God. Two is because I never learned how to be any other way. I never needed to learn to be a different way.

So let’s start with God. This one is by far the simplest and in my eyes doesn’t need much explanation. God so loved the world that He gave. He gave His son so that we may live. I don’t think that I can recall and act of love that could ever trump that. In return all He asks is to love Him and love your neighbor as yourself. I feel like that’s an extremely easy job, at least for me.

The second kind of ties into the first. The examples that were most prominent in my life when I was younger always portrayed love. Unconditional love at that. I consider myself “lucky” to have grown up around people that love me in such a way. I understand that not everyone has been able to do that in their lives. But because I was treated in such a way, I learned to do that with others, no matter what there background may be. I learned to love them before I could judge them. I learned to trust them before they gave me a reason to. I always give people the best first. You never know their struggles until you get to know them. You don’t know their heart or their intent before you sit down and have a conversation with them. This is where “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” really comes into play.

In my life, because I am this way, have I been hurt? Of course! Does it change the way I want to live my life? No way. What gain would I get from not loving, trusting, and believing in people? None. There’d literally be no gain from that whatsoever. My goal in life is to help as many people I can, and touch peoples lives in a way that they never thought was possible. My goal is to love people for who they are, and the heart they have, not for whats on the outside. Who am I to judge?

“You will love and not be loved back. Give, and not receive. Help and be left helpless. Teach and not be taught. Forgive and be forgiven. Trust and be doubted. Pray and be cursed by others. You will be unnoticed, unliked, unloved, and unappreciated. But NEVER EVER NEVER let anyone else stop you from being YOU. Because YOU are the one stretching, growing, and rising. Never subtract the best of you to add the worst of anyone else.” ~Howard Britt

Welcome Back

It’s been about a year and a half since I last wrote one of these. Part of me wants to use excuses such as the following: depression, I work 50-60 hours a week, in my free time I just want to sleep, etc etc. It’s time to stop the excuses though. I truly believe that this will be a good outlet for me considering I don’t have many people in my life that I talk to on a normal basis, or that I share intimate details of my life with.

So considering the hiatus that was taken, lets play a little catch up.

In the past year and a half I’ve done the following:

1. Moved out of my parents house into an apartment with an old coworker about 7 miles away from my place of employment in a different town. (kind of)
2. Had a relationship with a guy that I truly thought was going to be it, going to be “the one”. That turned out to be one of the biggest jokes of all. In the process of this relationship I fell away from everything for a bit. I was so involved with this individual that nothing else really mattered to me. (And before you think it, I’ll just say it… I know that’s not how it should be, and that’s part of the reason it’s over.) This relationship shook my whole life, to the point that I didn’t know who I was without this person. That was the biggest thing of all to overcome after it all. (Finding who I truly was again). There’s obviously A LOT more that happened in this relationship and maybe one day I’ll touch on it here, and maybe I won’t. Just know that I am where I am now because of the ups and downs this relationship brought me.
3. At one of my lowest points after this relationship I started doing things that weren’t characteristically  “me”. I know that is extremely vague, but all you need to know is that it wasn’t the best. What you should know is that I chose to make “lemonade out of lemons” and learn from it to become more comfortable in my own skin.
4. For the longest time through all my physical and mental health issues I kept telling myself that “this isn’t me”, “this isn’t the me I was 2, 3, 4 years ago”. While that’s true… I’ve learned to stop beating myself up over it as much. People change, fact. I am a person, so I am subject to change. I’m not 100 percent sure why I have never been comfortable with myself being able to change too. It’s okay if I’m not the person I was 2, 3, 4 years ago, no matter how different that may be.
5. I “fell away” from an organization I grew up in, for what started out as being petty reasons, but now are pretty conclusive. I can honestly say this decision wasn’t an easy one and I fought with myself for a very long time because of it. It took me a long while to realize that I just wasn’t getting my need met anymore, and my heart wasn’t in it anymore, so it was necessary to find something else, and I did. (Mostly)
6. I gauged my ears and got my first tattoo. I now realize why people who have tattoos say they are addictive. I already want more. I’ve had a least 3 planned out for 5 years now, and I’m so stoked to get them.
7. I got a puppy! Her name is Kota, and she’s definitely wasn’t what I was expecting to get when looking for a dog, but she has become one of the biggest helps to my depression and anxiety. She is a very tiny mutt mix. She won’t get much bigger than 10 pounds. I’ve never been one for small dogs, always thought I’d have a large dog. She has such a big personality though that it makes up for her small stature.
8. I recently got accepted to Arizona State University to get a degree fully online in Family and Human development so that I can eventually have a career in counseling.

 

So there’s at least some things to catch you up on what’s been going on in my life if you really wanted to know.
I can assure you that I still don’t have it all figured out, and I’m not sure that I ever will. But can anyone truly say they have every detail of their life figured out? If so, feel free to contact me and share how you did so. I promise to be a captivated listener. Until then I’ll just keep trucking along relying on God and living my life to the best of my ability. I know it’s not always going to be easy, in fact some days may be far from easy. At the end of the day I’m just thankful I get to live this life the way I want to live it, and make the best decisions for me.

Small Bright Lights

The past five days have surely been a whirlwind of emotions. From not sleeping, to working a 15-16 hour days; to images of bears in my flat white, and getting partner of the quarter at my job. Probably the most odd mix of extreme lows to extreme highs I’ve had in a while.

Recently I’ve been struggling with seeing where I “fit” so to speak. I didn’t really feel like I added much to anything I was a part of, or the people in my life. Which, yes I know is very ridiculous, and uncharacteristic of me, but I felt myself battling that in weird ways the past few days. Maybe it was just the lack of sleep, or unbalance hormones making my brain go crazy. At this point, I’m fairly unsure. What I do know is this…I’m a fighter. Most days I have to thoroughly convince myself of that, but I am. I know this because I’ve come this far. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve seen, in small ways,  lights at the end of this very long dark tunnel I’ve been in over the past couple days. After my 15-16 hour day I had on Tuesday, I completely broke down and didn’t think I could do it anymore. I convinced myself that tomorrow would be a brand new day, and got at least a small amount of sleep before getting up and going to work the next morning. Though things may have gone wrong at work Wednesday morning the environment seemed much more inviting, and dare I say, much more fun. The people I worked with that day, definitely had a huge impact on that. On my way to my second job that evening I went to get some much needed caffeine. My order was similar to what I get most days. The barista making my drink went above and beyond the call of duty though. I get a drink called a flat white. In that drink whole milk is used. This is the type of milk most conducive to making latte art. When he handed me my drink there was an image of a bear on the top. It certainly put a huge smile on my face and had a positive impact on the rest of my day.

Like clock work I get up at 4:20am to get ready for work this morning, not really looking forward to the day ahead. (Still hadn’t slept too much and I was achy) But, nevertheless, I got up and did it anyway. It appeared to be a pretty normal day, until my manger pointed something out to me on the back desk. I had been voted “Partner of the Quarter” by my peers. Needless to say, I was speechless, and beyond blessed. I was given a picture frame with a description of why I was voted “Partner of the Quarter”, some flowers, a chocolate gluten-free cupcake, and an i-Tunes gift card. I didn’t know that one’s day could be made before the sun woke up, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Just when it seemed like I was going to have a horrific week, small unexpectedly amazing things started happening, and I’m so thankful they did. It proves to me that there is hope yet. That despite all of the struggles I’ve been going through the past (almost) two years, are becoming worth it. And, hopefully soon, I’ll start truly feeling like myself again. Until then, I’m just elated and thankful that despite all the changes have been going on people haven’t changed their perception of me, and my heart. They still see the true me. Now it’s just time for me to get there.

 

Hello “Old” Friend

It’s been quite a while since I have written anything, and I apologize to the people that are following me and reading my stuff. Life is has been crazy. (both in good and bad ways)

This past month I have been working my ass off trying to keep myself busy. I’ve noticed that if I keep busy with work, I don’t feel as depressed/lonely. Though, sometimes depression’s ugly face makes an appearance anyway. Working so much though, has made it just a tid bit more bearable.

This past month has brought many highs and a few lows. Which, yes, I know is normal for anyone. When I talk about lows though…they’re quite bad. I won’t get into too much detail, but I don’t have the very best of thoughts when those times come around.

On a high note, I reconnected with a friend from high school, and it’s been so great! It’s kind of like we never stopped talking. It’s been 6/7 years and we just kind of picked up where we left off. Funny how life throws you things at the most unexpected of times.

My family and I went on vacation this past month as well. We went to go visit some of my mom’s family in Maine. While I am very very thankful that I was able to go and see family I haven’t seen in close to 4 years, I was not thankful for the drive. If you don’t stop at all, mapquest says it takes close to 19 hours to drive from where I live in Indiana to where my family is in Indiana. If it were just me driving there, it wouldn’t have been too bad. However, we had a toddler and two people over 50 in the car, so it took a lot longer than 19 hours. Nevertheless, the trip was worth it. It was a nice break from my day to day routine, and seeing family is always a plus.

I know this has been a very mundane and blah post, but such is life right now. I work, sleep(sometimes), and repeat. Maybe next time I’ll have more of an interesting post.

For now, I’ll leave you with this…Enjoy.

Tiny Silver Linings

This is something I’m holding close to my heart today.

I am my own worst enemy, that has definitely showed it’s face to me this past week or so. Not only is it because I have auto immune diseases (where my body attacks itself), but because I over-think way too much. I stay in my head way too much and that’s why I turned to blogging, to get it all out.

I’ve had a rough couple of days, that’s for sure. Today was made possible by coffee and long chats with a certain friend that completely understands things that I have been going through. She gets the sudden downs that come, the bursts of crying for no  reason at all, the feeling completely alone even when you’re surrounded by them, and how dealing with depression sucks, majorly.

She just gets it, completely, and that in itself is amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I have other people that are there for me, and I’m very grateful for that. But no one ever completely understands what I’m going through because they haven’t experienced it themselves, or they just think I’m being “extreme” or what not. She gets the feeling of being “trapped” by your emotions and not really understanding how you can help yourself or why it’s happening at all.

I am so very thankful for this dear friend of mine. There is definitely a reason we’re in the same place at the moment, because we both need each other. We’ve both had pretty crappy summers, but at least we have each other. It’s because of her, that tonight, I don’t feel so hopeless. That is my little silver lining.

Letter to a “Friend”

“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” – Najwa Zebian

Dear *Insert unnamed individuals name here*

You truly hurt me, more than you will ever know. At this point there’s no real anger involved, just very very hurt. You did something that is so inconceivable to me, because I would never ever think of doing that to someone I considered myself close with. Not only that, no apology or reasoning ever came from your mouth. I haven’t heard from you since the incident. To be honest, I didn’t think you were the type of person to not own up to your decisions and confront things head on. I guess I was wrong about that though.

I’ve thought for a long time about what I would write/say if I actually decided to write/talk to you, and nothing truly describes the amount of hurt I feel, and I don’t think there ever will be anything.

Despite all this…I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me so badly and rocking my world to a point that you will never know. I forgive you, not for you, but for me, because I deserve to have peace. I deserve to have a peaceful life back. I deserve to not have this hanging over my head all of the time. Simply put, I deserve my life back, before this happened.

Lets be completely clear…just because I forgive you, doesn’t mean I want you in my life anymore. You may be my sister-in-Christ, but that doesn’t mean that I need to share my soul life with you, and I don’t intend to. You no longer “deserve” (for lack of a better word) that space in my life you once had.

That being said, I don’t wish ill of you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life, and make the best of it. I’ll see you at the return.

From,
A once dear friend.

 

Surgery, Allergies, and Auto Immune Diseases…Oh My!

It’s been just under a year and a half that I haven’t felt like myself. Which, in the long scheme of things may not seem like a horribly long time. To me, it’s felt like forever. Let’s take a look into the past, shall we?

It’s April of 2015. I’m living at a headquarters for a ministry I, at the time, affiliated myself with. (If you just read that and are questioning why, know that it’s a story for a different time.) I was loving life, to be honest. I had a great job, numerous friends, my needs supplied, didn’t really need much more. Then one day I started not to feel so great. This is the start of the “Melissa not feeling like herself period”.

In the course of a few weeks my life was undoubtedly change for the unforeseeable future

1) I had my gallbladder removed because it was only functioning between 5-7%.
2) I have Celiac Disease. (I’m sure in blogs to follow I’ll talk more about this and maybe even put a link to those said blogs here.)
3) I have numerous food allergies. (rice, corn, eggs, dairy, soy, potatoes, buckwheat, tree nuts, peanuts,  chocolate, green beans, pineapple, yeast, kidney beans, tuna, and I’m sure there are a few others I’m forgetting.)

Was I happy that I now how answers to why I was feeling physically ill for the past month or so, yes, very. That didn’t help me mentally though. While, it may not seem like a whole lot typed out on a blog page, it was a lot for me to process in that short amount of time. I had to change basically my whole lifestyle because of what I now was told I could no longer consume.

After my surgery, I was able to get back to working my full time job in about 2 weeks. Which, everyone thought, was a pretty big feat. Though, I started feeling physically “normally”, I’m not entirely certain my mental state was ever the same. I was still trying to figure out what I could and could not eat and how my body would react to certain foods if I accidentally consumed them. Let’s just say this was more “normal” than what I am feeling currently. (mentally)

Flash foreword a few months to sometime in October. This is where the real fun begins. I had a migraine for 3 straight months and NO ONE could figure out why. (I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but, honestly, I’m not.) I went to my family doctor, hospital, neurologist, chiropractor, and physical therapist and none of them could truly pin point where these migraines were coming from, and what could alleviate them. I went through a slew of pain pills, and supposed headache medicine with no alleviation at all.

After months of no answers it was decided that the best thing to do would be to move back “home” to Indiana and live with my family.

I sought help from a holistic type doctor and we have narrowed down the reason for my chronic migraines and headaches. At first I had extremely high estrogen levels. We nipped that in the butt. Then we found out that I have a very low functioning thyroid. I am now on daily thyroid medicine to remedy that. This under-active thyroid is not only comes with a slew of annoying side effects, but is also connected to another auto immune disease called Hashimoto’s. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s auto immune diseases number two. Go me.

One of the biggest side effects of an under-active thyroid, is depression. Which is kind of my point of this whole post, and, if I’m being honest, this blog in general. I’m not ashamed anymore to admit that I’m battling depression, because at this point, I haven’t been able to beat it. It comes in spurts, and is sometimes easier to deal with than other times. I know that it is completely hormonal and because of everything my body has gone through because this isn’t “me”.

Eventually, along with my doctor, we’ll be able to figure out the right dosage of thyroid medicine to combat the depression, pretty much completely, is what I’m told. Maybe by then I’ll have figured out who “me” is, and will be able to be fully back to feeling like myself again.

We shall see.

P.S. Here’s a picture that almost fully shows exactly how my depression is. 

P.P.S- Song I’m listening to currently.

Under Construction

As we go through life, numerous transitions, struggles, and victories arise. I’m not sure I can put a “label” on what stage I’m at right now. I believe the best phrase to define it is what’s stated above. I’m under construction. I’m taking a step back and attempting to figure out what it is I’m all about.

Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Melissa, you’re 24 years old, you don’t have to have it all figured out.” Which, is an accurate statement. Thing is, I don’t want to have it all figured out, I just want to have me figured out. Which, sure, seems simple, but recently I’ve realized it’s not.

A lot of my life has been me mimicking what I think people want me to be. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, at all. I’ve gained a plethora of great qualities and insights that way. Recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been trying to please people way too much, instead of pleasing myself. Which is where I’ve run into some issues I guess you could say. To some, this will come as a surprise. Fret not, it was to me too.

Here are two things that will never change:
1) My heart – I’ll still be that selfless person who would do anything to help a loved one.
2) My faith – Yes, I believe in God, that will never change.

Everything else is subject to and will most likely get some revamping.
Thanks for your support while I figure things out.

 

The Reason

Not that anyone in particular will ever read this, but I figured I should post a reason why I started this. Not that I need to give an explanation for starting this at all…I don’t owe you anything. Nevertheless…here it is; I need to a place to vent. Whether or not doing it in this particular way is best, is yet to be seen, but, I figured it at least deserves a shot.

So…let us start with this. Today, is a new day. Today I stop being “afraid” of being me and apologizing for who I am not or what I have yet to become. I recently read a quote, or meme, or what have you that stated this: “Disclaimer, I am a real person. I am no longer afraid to say what makes me angry, sad or what I think is unfair. I’m not scared, to admit that at times, I feel worthless, lost or not enough. I’m not hiding from the word love, life or magic, and I will not edit the sad angry or fucked up parts of my story. I am a real person. I struggle and I sparkle. I am a real person.”. This is the “theme” of this blog.

This is an outlet of sorts. I will be posting things about my life, experiences, ideas, struggles, the whole nine yards. My hope is that through all of this I will be able to, in a healthy way, release all the things going on in my brain.

I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. If, for some odd coincidence individuals end up reading what I have written, then so be it. However it is not what I’m after. I’m not seeking attention, and this is not a cry for help. This is me, fully exposed and unedited, trying to help myself in a way that I think could work out beautifully.

I am, and forever will be Melissa, that will never change. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to figure out why I am the way I am, or find out small details about myself I never realized. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the search, and trying to assure myself that for the moment it’s okay to not know certain things.

I’ll end with something I came across scrolling through Pinterest or Facebook (honestly, I can’t remember) one evening.

“Who taught you to be small? Who taught you that those cracks were flaws? Taught you that your light couldn’t shine through the fractures and scars? Who told you to accept what you were given and did not want? Told you that any love was better than searching for the one only meant for you? The one that has always been inside yourself. Do not listen to them. Their mouths are full of turpentine and cyanide. They will strip all the gold from your feathered limbs and leave you unraveled-all pock marked, pink-skinned, and alabaster boned. You were not made to be grounded. You need the crisp air, a belly full of laughter, a heart carrying so much love you feel the seams stretching. Mostly, you need to realize that one by one the population has swelled to billions, but even still you were hand selected, all beauty and flaw, to never be replicated. You are the finest art to have ever been created.” ~ Tyler Kent White

I will no longer be small. I will no longer accept mediocrity and ordinary. I was born to stand out, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.