Small Bright Lights

The past five days have surely been a whirlwind of emotions. From not sleeping, to working a 15-16 hour days; to images of bears in my flat white, and getting partner of the quarter at my job. Probably the most odd mix of extreme lows to extreme highs I’ve had in a while.

Recently I’ve been struggling with seeing where I “fit” so to speak. I didn’t really feel like I added much to anything I was a part of, or the people in my life. Which, yes I know is very ridiculous, and uncharacteristic of me, but I felt myself battling that in weird ways the past few days. Maybe it was just the lack of sleep, or unbalance hormones making my brain go crazy. At this point, I’m fairly unsure. What I do know is this…I’m a fighter. Most days I have to thoroughly convince myself of that, but I am. I know this because I’ve come this far. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here.

I’ve seen, in small ways,  lights at the end of this very long dark tunnel I’ve been in over the past couple days. After my 15-16 hour day I had on Tuesday, I completely broke down and didn’t think I could do it anymore. I convinced myself that tomorrow would be a brand new day, and got at least a small amount of sleep before getting up and going to work the next morning. Though things may have gone wrong at work Wednesday morning the environment seemed much more inviting, and dare I say, much more fun. The people I worked with that day, definitely had a huge impact on that. On my way to my second job that evening I went to get some much needed caffeine. My order was similar to what I get most days. The barista making my drink went above and beyond the call of duty though. I get a drink called a flat white. In that drink whole milk is used. This is the type of milk most conducive to making latte art. When he handed me my drink there was an image of a bear on the top. It certainly put a huge smile on my face and had a positive impact on the rest of my day.

Like clock work I get up at 4:20am to get ready for work this morning, not really looking forward to the day ahead. (Still hadn’t slept too much and I was achy) But, nevertheless, I got up and did it anyway. It appeared to be a pretty normal day, until my manger pointed something out to me on the back desk. I had been voted “Partner of the Quarter” by my peers. Needless to say, I was speechless, and beyond blessed. I was given a picture frame with a description of why I was voted “Partner of the Quarter”, some flowers, a chocolate gluten-free cupcake, and an i-Tunes gift card. I didn’t know that one’s day could be made before the sun woke up, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Just when it seemed like I was going to have a horrific week, small unexpectedly amazing things started happening, and I’m so thankful they did. It proves to me that there is hope yet. That despite all of the struggles I’ve been going through the past (almost) two years, are becoming worth it. And, hopefully soon, I’ll start truly feeling like myself again. Until then, I’m just elated and thankful that despite all the changes have been going on people haven’t changed their perception of me, and my heart. They still see the true me. Now it’s just time for me to get there.

 

Hello “Old” Friend

It’s been quite a while since I have written anything, and I apologize to the people that are following me and reading my stuff. Life is has been crazy. (both in good and bad ways)

This past month I have been working my ass off trying to keep myself busy. I’ve noticed that if I keep busy with work, I don’t feel as depressed/lonely. Though, sometimes depression’s ugly face makes an appearance anyway. Working so much though, has made it just a tid bit more bearable.

This past month has brought many highs and a few lows. Which, yes, I know is normal for anyone. When I talk about lows though…they’re quite bad. I won’t get into too much detail, but I don’t have the very best of thoughts when those times come around.

On a high note, I reconnected with a friend from high school, and it’s been so great! It’s kind of like we never stopped talking. It’s been 6/7 years and we just kind of picked up where we left off. Funny how life throws you things at the most unexpected of times.

My family and I went on vacation this past month as well. We went to go visit some of my mom’s family in Maine. While I am very very thankful that I was able to go and see family I haven’t seen in close to 4 years, I was not thankful for the drive. If you don’t stop at all, mapquest says it takes close to 19 hours to drive from where I live in Indiana to where my family is in Indiana. If it were just me driving there, it wouldn’t have been too bad. However, we had a toddler and two people over 50 in the car, so it took a lot longer than 19 hours. Nevertheless, the trip was worth it. It was a nice break from my day to day routine, and seeing family is always a plus.

I know this has been a very mundane and blah post, but such is life right now. I work, sleep(sometimes), and repeat. Maybe next time I’ll have more of an interesting post.

For now, I’ll leave you with this…Enjoy.