This is something I’m holding close to my heart today.
I am my own worst enemy, that has definitely showed it’s face to me this past week or so. Not only is it because I have auto immune diseases (where my body attacks itself), but because I over-think way too much. I stay in my head way too much and that’s why I turned to blogging, to get it all out.
I’ve had a rough couple of days, that’s for sure. Today was made possible by coffee and long chats with a certain friend that completely understands things that I have been going through. She gets the sudden downs that come, the bursts of crying for no reason at all, the feeling completely alone even when you’re surrounded by them, and how dealing with depression sucks, majorly.
She just gets it, completely, and that in itself is amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I have other people that are there for me, and I’m very grateful for that. But no one ever completely understands what I’m going through because they haven’t experienced it themselves, or they just think I’m being “extreme” or what not. She gets the feeling of being “trapped” by your emotions and not really understanding how you can help yourself or why it’s happening at all.
I am so very thankful for this dear friend of mine. There is definitely a reason we’re in the same place at the moment, because we both need each other. We’ve both had pretty crappy summers, but at least we have each other. It’s because of her, that tonight, I don’t feel so hopeless. That is my little silver lining.
“Today I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” – Najwa Zebian
Dear *Insert unnamed individuals name here*
You truly hurt me, more than you will ever know. At this point there’s no real anger involved, just very very hurt. You did something that is so inconceivable to me, because I would never ever think of doing that to someone I considered myself close with. Not only that, no apology or reasoning ever came from your mouth. I haven’t heard from you since the incident. To be honest, I didn’t think you were the type of person to not own up to your decisions and confront things head on. I guess I was wrong about that though.
I’ve thought for a long time about what I would write/say if I actually decided to write/talk to you, and nothing truly describes the amount of hurt I feel, and I don’t think there ever will be anything.
Despite all this…I forgive you. I forgive you for hurting me so badly and rocking my world to a point that you will never know. I forgive you, not for you, but for me, because I deserve to have peace. I deserve to have a peaceful life back. I deserve to not have this hanging over my head all of the time. Simply put, I deserve my life back, before this happened.
Lets be completely clear…just because I forgive you, doesn’t mean I want you in my life anymore. You may be my sister-in-Christ, but that doesn’t mean that I need to share my soul life with you, and I don’t intend to. You no longer “deserve” (for lack of a better word) that space in my life you once had.
That being said, I don’t wish ill of you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life, and make the best of it. I’ll see you at the return.
It’s been just under a year and a half that I haven’t felt like myself. Which, in the long scheme of things may not seem like a horribly long time. To me, it’s felt like forever. Let’s take a look into the past, shall we?
It’s April of 2015. I’m living at a headquarters for a ministry I, at the time, affiliated myself with. (If you just read that and are questioning why, know that it’s a story for a different time.) I was loving life, to be honest. I had a great job, numerous friends, my needs supplied, didn’t really need much more. Then one day I started not to feel so great. This is the start of the “Melissa not feeling like herself period”.
In the course of a few weeks my life was undoubtedly change for the unforeseeable future
1) I had my gallbladder removed because it was only functioning between 5-7%.
2) I have Celiac Disease. (I’m sure in blogs to follow I’ll talk more about this and maybe even put a link to those said blogs here.)
3) I have numerous food allergies. (rice, corn, eggs, dairy, soy, potatoes, buckwheat, tree nuts, peanuts, chocolate, green beans, pineapple, yeast, kidney beans, tuna, and I’m sure there are a few others I’m forgetting.)
Was I happy that I now how answers to why I was feeling physically ill for the past month or so, yes, very. That didn’t help me mentally though. While, it may not seem like a whole lot typed out on a blog page, it was a lot for me to process in that short amount of time. I had to change basically my whole lifestyle because of what I now was told I could no longer consume.
After my surgery, I was able to get back to working my full time job in about 2 weeks. Which, everyone thought, was a pretty big feat. Though, I started feeling physically “normally”, I’m not entirely certain my mental state was ever the same. I was still trying to figure out what I could and could not eat and how my body would react to certain foods if I accidentally consumed them. Let’s just say this was more “normal” than what I am feeling currently. (mentally)
Flash foreword a few months to sometime in October. This is where the real fun begins. I had a migraine for 3 straight months and NO ONE could figure out why. (I wish I could say I was exaggerating, but, honestly, I’m not.) I went to my family doctor, hospital, neurologist, chiropractor, and physical therapist and none of them could truly pin point where these migraines were coming from, and what could alleviate them. I went through a slew of pain pills, and supposed headache medicine with no alleviation at all.
After months of no answers it was decided that the best thing to do would be to move back “home” to Indiana and live with my family.
I sought help from a holistic type doctor and we have narrowed down the reason for my chronic migraines and headaches. At first I had extremely high estrogen levels. We nipped that in the butt. Then we found out that I have a very low functioning thyroid. I am now on daily thyroid medicine to remedy that. This under-active thyroid is not only comes with a slew of annoying side effects, but is also connected to another auto immune disease called Hashimoto’s. So, if you’re keeping track, that’s auto immune diseases number two. Go me.
One of the biggest side effects of an under-active thyroid, is depression. Which is kind of my point of this whole post, and, if I’m being honest, this blog in general. I’m not ashamed anymore to admit that I’m battling depression, because at this point, I haven’t been able to beat it. It comes in spurts, and is sometimes easier to deal with than other times. I know that it is completely hormonal and because of everything my body has gone through because this isn’t “me”.
Eventually, along with my doctor, we’ll be able to figure out the right dosage of thyroid medicine to combat the depression, pretty much completely, is what I’m told. Maybe by then I’ll have figured out who “me” is, and will be able to be fully back to feeling like myself again.
We shall see.
P.S. Here’s a picture that almost fully shows exactly how my depression is.
As we go through life, numerous transitions, struggles, and victories arise. I’m not sure I can put a “label” on what stage I’m at right now. I believe the best phrase to define it is what’s stated above. I’m under construction. I’m taking a step back and attempting to figure out what it is I’m all about.
Now, I know what you’re thinking… “Melissa, you’re 24 years old, you don’t have to have it all figured out.” Which, is an accurate statement. Thing is, I don’t want to have it all figured out, I just want to have me figured out. Which, sure, seems simple, but recently I’ve realized it’s not.
A lot of my life has been me mimicking what I think people want me to be. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, at all. I’ve gained a plethora of great qualities and insights that way. Recently, I’ve noticed that I’ve been trying to please people way too much, instead of pleasing myself. Which is where I’ve run into some issues I guess you could say. To some, this will come as a surprise. Fret not, it was to me too.
Here are two things that will never change:
1) My heart – I’ll still be that selfless person who would do anything to help a loved one.
2) My faith – Yes, I believe in God, that will never change.
Everything else is subject to and will most likely get some revamping.
Thanks for your support while I figure things out.
Not that anyone in particular will ever read this, but I figured I should post a reason why I started this. Not that I need to give an explanation for starting this at all…I don’t owe you anything. Nevertheless…here it is; I need to a place to vent. Whether or not doing it in this particular way is best, is yet to be seen, but, I figured it at least deserves a shot.
So…let us start with this. Today, is a new day. Today I stop being “afraid” of being me and apologizing for who I am not or what I have yet to become. I recently read a quote, or meme, or what have you that stated this: “Disclaimer, I am a real person. I am no longer afraid to say what makes me angry, sad or what I think is unfair. I’m not scared, to admit that at times, I feel worthless, lost or not enough. I’m not hiding from the word love, life or magic, and I will not edit the sad angry or fucked up parts of my story. I am a real person. I struggle and I sparkle. I am a real person.”. This is the “theme” of this blog.
This is an outlet of sorts. I will be posting things about my life, experiences, ideas, struggles, the whole nine yards. My hope is that through all of this I will be able to, in a healthy way, release all the things going on in my brain.
I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. If, for some odd coincidence individuals end up reading what I have written, then so be it. However it is not what I’m after. I’m not seeking attention, and this is not a cry for help. This is me, fully exposed and unedited, trying to help myself in a way that I think could work out beautifully.
I am, and forever will be Melissa, that will never change. Maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to figure out why I am the way I am, or find out small details about myself I never realized. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the search, and trying to assure myself that for the moment it’s okay to not know certain things.
I’ll end with something I came across scrolling through Pinterest or Facebook (honestly, I can’t remember) one evening.
“Who taught you to be small? Who taught you that those cracks were flaws? Taught you that your light couldn’t shine through the fractures and scars? Who told you to accept what you were given and did not want? Told you that any love was better than searching for the one only meant for you? The one that has always been inside yourself. Do not listen to them. Their mouths are full of turpentine and cyanide. They will strip all the gold from your feathered limbs and leave you unraveled-all pock marked, pink-skinned, and alabaster boned. You were not made to be grounded. You need the crisp air, a belly full of laughter, a heart carrying so much love you feel the seams stretching. Mostly, you need to realize that one by one the population has swelled to billions, but even still you were hand selected, all beauty and flaw, to never be replicated. You are the finest art to have ever been created.” ~ Tyler Kent White
I will no longer be small. I will no longer accept mediocrity and ordinary. I was born to stand out, and that’s exactly what I plan to do.
Disclaimer: I am a real person 